What do you want to want?
Impulse and aspiration rarely line up, but daily choices reveal which version of ourselves we are actually building.
What do you want to want? Read that again. Not what do you want. That’s easy. What do you want to want? Most of us can answer what we want. More money. Less anxiety. Better health. A bigger house. Less traffic. Fewer bills. Better sleep.
A surprising amount of adulthood is realizing your impulses, and your aspirations are rarely aligned. Knowing what you want to want is instructive. Why? Because what you want on Monday often changes by Tuesday. See, on Monday you want to get in better shape and stop eating like a long-haul truck driver. But then it’s Taco Tuesday and, well, who wants to eat a taco without a top-shelf Margarita. Before you know it, you’re three margs deep wondering how you’ll get home. You want to read more books but instead you binge watch Netflix like a raccoon in a Taco Bell dumpster. See, there is a meaningful difference between what we currently desire and the kind of desires we wish we had.
This is partly why books like Atomic Habits resonate so deeply with people. Beneath all the talk about routines and systems, James Clear is really making a deeper argument about identity. Your habits are not merely things you do. They are votes for the kind of person you want yourself to be. Because ultimately, human beings intend to do a lot of things. We intend to get in shape. We intend to lose weight. Then we eat 17 Oreo’s and a pint of Rocky Road at 2 a.m. and hate ourselves in the morning. We desire lots of things. It simply takes more than desire.
The person who wants to eat healthier tosses all the junk food from the kitchen. The person who wants to start exercising puts workout clothes in the car. The person who wants a faithful marriage stops doing unfaithful things. Sometimes taking action doesn’t feel authentic. As if we’re trying to be someone we’re not. But, as the saying goes, the man who wants to walk will go farther than the man who is forced to walk. The secret is to align your actions with the things you want.
Nearly every person on the planet has a dream. Since high school I’ve dreamed of completing an Ironman triathlon. I still want to want it, including the Ironman tattoo if I finish. But to be perfectly honest, I want to want it more than I actually want it. Why? Not a real strong swimmer. So, I want to want it but not enough to take advanced swimming lessons and spend 1,000+ hours in training. Make sense? See, the ability to evaluate our own desires is what separates us from the animals. They simply eat whatever they can find. We, on the other hand, evaluate every opportunity: are we hungry, is it healthy, do we like the taste, etc.? Consider the husband who genuinely wants to want a devoted marriage. He wants the family dinners, the vacations and the annual Christmas card photo. And yet he continues cheating on his wife, with frequent trysts. Sometimes we simultaneously desire and reject the same thing. Consider the addict who wants to get sober but continues to use. A craving can feel deeply real while actively sabotaging the very thing a person most hopes to preserve.
That’s the challenge of being human. Because your life is largely the result of the desires you act upon. Not the things you want to want or simply imagining the person you’d like to become someday. Otherwise, I would have taken the swimming lessons. The things you feed eventually grow. The things you starve eventually weaken. And thankfully, aspiration can become action, even when our worst impulses conflict with our deepest values. People change all the time. But to become the person you hope requires more than intention, it requires action. And that action changes you.
The guy who couldn’t find the gym eventually loves his workouts. The addict eventually protects sobriety with his life-and guides hundreds of others to a better life. The husband who chased excitement eventually embraces stability. Sometimes person you want yourself to be rejects the person you’ve always been. We become what we move toward. Which is why the deeper question is “what do you want to want?” and what are you willing to do to get it?
So, what do you want to want? I love hearing from you guys. Shoot me an email at [email protected]. I promise that you’ll hear back from me cause, you know, I’m a real person and all.
